Just Living

My life...well, it's been crazy these past few months. I must admit that things have sort of calmed down a bit now that I am not leaving in June for NZ. Calmed down at least in my head, but is that really good? Before, I found myself on my face in front of God, desperate for Him, relying on His sufficiency alone, giving up all of myself because I just couldn't do it anymore. Now?...well, now I am fully self-dependent again, only that's not a good thing. My mind and soul are sort of in that floating, indifferent state...not really happy, but not really sad. Just getting through life with all the ups and downs, trying my best, but it's not really going anywhere. Why? Because I've lost my source of strength, sufficiency, pure joy. Not really lost...just not embracing. So here I am, on my blog spilling my thoughts, not really caring if they make sense or not, but it's me, real and raw. Why this battle, why fight? Am I worth fighting for? Questions we all ask ourselves...in many different circumstances. And then a small pin-like stream of light enters the darkness...ah yes, I start to remember...a love that transcends all understanding, a battle begun in the dawn of creation, one perfect warrior fighting for my honor. Inside a voice whispers ever so softly, "Remember...Remember..." I look down as if on the edge of a cliff, darkness swirling below me, the other side leading to who knows where, but desperately knowing it's where I should be. The leap of faith...like something out of Indiana Jones...do I dare take that step...what if...what if? But the joy and peace in just the glimmer of memories brought to my mind drives me. I lean forward, my heart beating wildly...it is time to embrace once again.